In
many ways, being ex-gay is even more difficult than being
gay. Many people in the Anglican Church see homosexual orientation as
unchangeable, so they find my story politically incorrect and are quick
to dismiss it: they tell me that I was never homosexual, or that I am
still homosexual and living in denial. But I know where I have been,
and I know what the Lord has done in my life. Mine is a story of God’s
transforming power at work in my life.
I have
spoken up and told my story whenever invited to do so,
as a plea for a safe place in the Church for those who wish to come out
of homosexual lifestyles. It is simply false to assume that all who
experience same-sex attraction would like the Church to affirm their
sexual orientation. On the contrary, many are trying to live chastely,
despite societal encouragement and even pressure on them to embrace a
gay or lesbian identity and to act out sexually outside marriage. For
them especially, it is absolutely essential that the Church keeps
upholding the message that our God is an awesome God who can utterly
transform our lives.
“I
Should Have Been a Boy”
As far
back as I can remember, I had a feeling that I was
different: I was a missionary’s kid growing up in Japan, but also I
believed I was God’s mistake, a boy in a girl’s body. My father had
wanted a boy, and when I was born he had to check me over twice. I grew
up feeling I was a great disappointment to him. Today I believe he
actually passed on the feeling to me that l was a mistake. I identified
with the males around me: I played with my three brothers, and most of
my friends were boys. I developed some masculine mannerisms and speech
patterns.
To
complicate things even further for me, several of my
father’s students sexually abused me, and I was unable to tell anyone.
I felt very dirty and ashamed of myself. I somehow felt it was my
fault, and I was certain that my father would punish me for what was
happening. For years, I hated myself.
For
grade seven, I was sent to a girls’ school. There I
developed a crush on one of my classmates. My father told me that this
was simply forbidden. After that school year, my parents transferred me
to a local Japanese school and encouraged me to go out with the boys
who came asking the Canadian girl for a date.
During
my teens, I continually looked for ways to rebel
against my father, a strict disciplinarian. When I was 18, he and my
mother sent me to Nova Scotia to live with her parents. Nothing could
have prepared me for what I encountered there. My own grandfather raped
me, and when I went running to my uncle to get some help, he raped me
too. I made my way to California, where I ended up on the streets. In
my desperation I kept out of prostitution only through the Christian
virtues my parents had raised me to cling to.
When I
eventually arrived back in Japan, thanks to another
uncle who had wired me some money, my father told me I should not have
come home. That night, in spite of the fact that he has never done such
a thing, I dreamt that my own father was trying to rape me. Something
broke in me that night, and when I awoke, I was no longer able to trust
any man.
Looking
for a Place to Call Home
For
the next few years I felt very confused and angry and
trapped. I was aware of my same-sex attractions but believed my faith
in Christ required me to live my life out as a straight person. I
avoided any kind of intimacy. I drifted back and forth between Japan
and Canada in search of a place I could call home.
At the
age of 20, I became a missionary in a Pentecostal
church in Japan that catered mainly to descendants of Koreans who had
been brought over as slaves during the war. With no formal training, I
felt overwhelmed by the suffering and despair with which many of them
reacted to the discrimination they faced.
I was
questioning the very existence of God when I met an
Australian woman who offered me the comfort I so badly wanted. I chose
then to walk away from my Christian beliefs and surrender to the need
to hold and be held. She coaxed me into giving up fighting a battle
that I was “going to lose anyway.”
Leaving
my missionary role, I returned to Vancouver, and I
began a homosexual relationship that lasted 13 years. During these
years, I was pretty promiscuous, I am ashamed to say. Most of my lovers
were other women in long-term relationships as well.
I
truly believed I was born homosexual, and the lifestyle felt
right: I loved the security of having a partner who gave me a sense of
having a home, and the affirmations that new lovers gave me.
Whenever
my father visited me in Vancouver during this period
of my life, he preached at me and told me I was going straight to hell
for my lifestyle. In fact, that is what most Christians I knew managed
to tell me. I longed desperately to be totally accepted, and I looked
for every scientific rationalization that would prove I was born
homosexual.
Our
awesome God grabbed hold of me one day. On a visit to
Japan for a family funeral, I went to see a Catholic monk, my former
math teacher, who had spent so many hours patiently listening to my
problems when I was a teenager. I had told him in a letter that I was
in a homosexual relationship. Would he respond with the same line that
most Christians gave me? He was so dear to me, though, that I trusted
that one visit with him would be worth anything that he could possibly
say. He caught me by surprise when he hugged me and simply said,
“Welcome back.”
That
day he treated me as though I had never left the faith,
in spite of where I’d been. And through him, I experienced
unconditional love. That day, I met my heavenly Father, the God of
Unconditional Love. I wanted more of this unconditional love, though I
was not certain about the rest of Christianity, nor where my lifestyle
was fitting into all this. I remember shooting up a prayer that day,
asking God to reveal Himself to me.
A
Second Chance
A few
months later, back in Vancouver, a car accident put me
in hospital for about ten days. I came to realize through this that I
had been given a second chance to make the most of my life. Shortly
after the accident, I woke up one night in the middle of the night
singing the chorus “Father, I adore you … Jesus, I adore you …
Spirit, I adore you.” Before my mind ever understood, my spirit had
always known the God of Unconditional Love to be the Trinity.
About
a month later, I went to an Anglican church for the
first time in 14 years. During the sermon, my mind wandered, and
different scenes of my life flashed in front of me as though I were
watching a movie. All the things I had done, one scene at a time, and
with each scene came a sense of grief. With such a past how could I
possibly start anew? Telling my father that I hated him, that hell
would be heavenly if he wasn’t going to be there. Me with a woman, me
in the gay bars. Scene after scene of my selfish acts. Everything
seemed to be there! My grief overflowed – would my heart burst? In
agony, I cried out, “Lord, I know I’ve been sinful. Please stop!” and
the waves of scenes stopped immediately.
When
Communion began, I knew in my heart that Christ had died
for me, for those very scenes that I had just seen. And as I received
the body and blood of Christ, an electrifying warmth swept through my
body from my head to toes. I had never felt so loved as I did at that
moment. And when I returned to my seat, I realized that for the first
time in my whole life I felt totally accepted and clean! Everything was
behind me, and I was now being given a new life in Christ!
That
day during Communion, God didn’t stop at just washing my
sins away and making me clean. He totally took away the attractions
toward other women! And not only did God reconcile me to Himself
through the blood of Christ, He eventually led me to reconcile with my
earthly father.
Today
God continues to reveal my inner scars and the reasons I
chose the life that I did, and He continues the work and healing
process within me. Today I know I am not a mistake, and I am happily
married to a wonderfully loving man. Wonderful are the works of the
Lord!
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The
Rev. Dawn McDonald is an Anglican priest whose canonical residence is with the Diocese of Yukon in Canada.
She is currently residing in Orlando Florida, and is available for speaking/teaching engagements.
This testimony
appears in printed form in the booklet Transformed
by an Encounter with Christ: A contribution to the ongoing discussion
on same-sex blessings in the Anglican Church of Canada,
published
in 2006 by the Zacchaeus Fellowship.
